Marriage, Parenting, Trauma....do they relate?

This foster care journey has been somewhat easy for me to adjust to. I love kids. I love to see how they grow and change. I think my calling is to be a mom....well, and a grandma too. I love my space, and quiet time. But when I look at getting a job, I think about all that I would miss out on. If I am honest, I want more bedrooms so we can foster some more children.  

My husband on the other hand....he likes older children. He doesn't like things that get complicated. He has even hinted that it is hard to share my attention. 

So, two different scenarios= a not so peachy household at times. 

Fostering and adopting are not easy callings. Without God on our side I don't think we would make it. It has been a hard two years....But I look back at where the kids were and see that love, consistency, and nurture have gone a long way. We went from not sleeping much, bad temper tantrums, food challenges, to sleeping mostly every night all night long, temper tantrums much less and food...well waiting on those to get better! Yes, we did join the locked cabinet club! I swore I would never do it. But it became necessary. 

How do marriages survive when two people see things so much differently? Because I see the good changes, I often don't tell my husband some of the bad stuff. If it won't mater either way, I take care of the situation. When I tell him bad thing after bad thing it weighs on him. So I try to tell him the good things I see. The positives. And sprinkle in a few of the challenges. He is then able to let go of the bad and see the good in each child. 

I also need to make sure I give my husband lots of his love language, which is touch....I am opposite of this...I like surprises of "I did this for you". 

We also are trying to get out together...and I need to catch myself and not talk about the kids while we are out. 

So, if your marriages is struggling in some areas since this journey began for you....figure out what are some things that you can do to improve it. Satan would love nothing more than to help break up your marriage....Adoption is at the very heart of God. He commands us to care for orphans. It isn't an option. Something that has God written all over it, Satan uses it to put separation between you and your spouse....Don't let Satan win!

Parenting Trauma

Parenting is hard. Very Hard....Parenting children that have been through trauma is even harder. Just this morning, the foster child that usually is oblivious to many things going on around him was struggling.

I ran across a post of FaceBook that said this: "When children are regressing, increase nurture. Usually that fighting or distancing is caused by fear. Parents can hep the agitated child to slow down, accept comfort, talk about feelings, or improve his physical state. Gradually, children learn to seek out parents when they are hurting."  Deborah Gray Attaching in Adoption

This child is our most "difficult" child. He will throw fits, cry loudly, is developmentally delayed. He asks question after question, even when he knows the answer. He takes a lot of our time. With something bothering, it just isn't like him. He was in tears because my husband was bringing him down to the bus instead of me. He didn't want to go to school.  He does prefer to stay home. So this wasn't out of character. But he was more vocal about it today.

I am unsure if I will ever come across the big stuff that is bothering him. But I do know that I need to increase nurture to him. He does love touch. I think that is his love language. Which is low on my radar. So it is hard for me to actually do that.

When children are the most unlovable, they need the most love. 

I challenge you to find out your child's love language. Is it touch? Gifts? Quality time? Find out what it is and try to use it daily.  When they are doing good and when they are struggling. 

Book: The Five Love Languages

Where Does the Time Go?

It has been a long time since I last wrote. Time sure does go by and there are so many things in between. 

To update on Shadrack, we still think of him daily. There are songs that we hear daily that trigger memories of him. He loved music, namely Toby Mac, and hearing Toby Mac music really gets us yearning to just go grab Shadrack. Not sure why it needs to be so difficult. 

Currently, Shadrack is still waiting for his forever family. If we had another 20k at our disposal we could get him in a just a few short months. Unfortunately we just don't have access to this kind of money. 

One soft spot that we have is three other beautiful children in our midst. We started out fostering three kiddos over 2 years ago, and through a chain of events, these children couldn't go back home to mom, so on January 11th, we will adopt them. It will all be final. 

As I sit here, reflecting on a new year, there are hurts that won't go away...Shadrack, and there are joys that I can't help but smile about. 

So moving forward on my blog, I want to start offering encouragement to others in the journey of adoptions that don't go as planned, marriage through fostering/adopting, practice tips and tools to use. 

Please check back and learn and grow with me!

FAQ: but no one is asking!

We have encountered many questions from people...but the questions or for lack of a better word accusations are not asked to us...So we will address them head on! But please, ask us. We would rather give you accurate information, than for you to talk behind our backs.

Adoption is an important call. A call we are all called to do. But NOT EVERYONE IS CALLED TO ADOPT! We are all called to help.

Question one:
Why are they going all the way to Liberia when there are orphans here.
Answer:
We have been pursuing adoption from foster care for several years. We see the huge importance. And there are MANY orphans in our back yard....currently around 400 of them just in MN. If everyone of you that reads this would adopt from foster care in MN, they would all be cared for. What are YOU going to do about that?  We came across Shadrack last April. I tried to find him a home from Minnesota down to Texas. I told Wayne one night..."I've tried to find this blind little guy a home, or someone to help him medically, and I cannot find anyone." His answer, Why are we not doing something? Exactly. So when you ask us why we are not doing something here in Minnesota...I respectfully ask you...Why aren't you? Until I laid eyes on Shadrack, I wasn't quite sure we were doing the right thing. The Sunday before we left, I had all I could do to hold it together at church. I ran into a friend who excited asked me if I was ready to go and how exciting...and I broke down and couldn't even put it into words the emotions I was feeling....I have dreamed of adopting for years...and my dream was coming true...but i was headed to a country that I knew very little about....I was leaving behind my children. And we were NOT LOOKING TO BRING A ONE YEAR OLD INTO OUR HOME! But, things worked out, and God willing we will bring Shadrack here in the next couple of weeks!

Question 2:
They can't afford to adopt/care for another child....
Answer:
God has provided thus far. Through Waynes retirement, through generous family and friends. Through some fundraisers. Everything has worked out. Frankly, we can't afford not to bring Shadrack or possibly other children into our homes. Plus our finances are really none of your business! With all due respect!
Currently the fundraiser last weekend has given us plane tickets and room while we are there...if we can get tickets cheap enough that is! We are confident that it will all work out....

Question 3:
We now have grandchildren, we won't have time for them with a one year old....

Answer:
Shadrack will require care and attention. But he also loves to sit and listen to music. He is really a very easy baby. I stayed home with 5 children, and Wayne worked his butt off with a full time job...I think I can handle 2 one year olds and a 4 year old. And I look forward to it. We obviously love kids...No brainer!

Question 4:
The fundraiser last weekend was a publicity pull for Hope Blooms...

Answer:
All I can say is WOW! Us caring for Shadrack has nothing to do with Hope Blooms. But we are doing what Hope Blooms stands for. We are caring for the worlds orphans...plus some.... We have never profited from Hope Blooms. All donations go back into helping the families that we service...those caring for orphans...Donations last weekend, which is another question we have been asked...behind our back, are going to bring Shadrack to the US for essential medical care. And any funds beyond that will go for medical care while he is here. Simple as that! Weather we  get him here in a couple of weeks, or weather we get him here in a couple of months. If you don't feel like you want to help a boy our with medical care...then don't. Simple as that. We are thankful for those that have helped. And we are excited to share him with those that care.

Watch that video...if it doesn't get to you...Then you should come to Liberia with us...see what we saw. Learn what we learned. Orphans are mentioned frequently in the Bible...and it is very clear we are all called to help in some way.

Hope Blooms will soon become licensed to facilitate adoptions through Liberia. That is how passionate we are about this. Wayne is ready to head back to Liberia on trips to check on an orphanage that we partner with...We are living out a call...what will YOU DO?

Devotion for Adoptive/foster parents

Romans 5:5 And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. He gave us His love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to us.

Have you ever poured out love, compassion and much energy into someone, only to have them disregard what you are doing for them? Many years ago, I poured energy into a friendship. I loved hanging with my friend. She had good morals and she was fun to hang out with. We would often get together a few times a week. Our young children at that time would play. We would even talk often on the phone. One day while at a Bible Study together we were all answering a question on having that Best friends. There were varied answers: yes I have a good, best friend, I have several friends that I do different things with; to I am new in this area. My “best friend” said, "I have a friend who I love to hang out with. Not a day goes by that I don’t hang out with or talk to her on the phone".....sounds great huh? Well, she wasn’t referring to me.  The disappointment I felt was crushing my spirit. I didn’t even know this new “best friend” and I had shared my heart and soul with someone who I thought had mutual feelings towards me.

I have learned a lot since that time. I have sat back, developed a satisfying relationship with my husband. Raised my children to adulthood and teens years. Started a non profit. Along the way a good friend has fallen into my lap…something I wouldn’t have orchestrated on my own. But when my children were younger, my husband was working to support us, and I was lonely. I have done some growing up over the years. I am not the same person I was in many ways.

I think of the lonely children in foster care. These children get picked on at school. Teachers don’t even know what to do with “them”. These children are living with parents who are telling them their very existence doesn’t matter.  Who will tell them the truth? Their very life matters, and what would it mean to them to hear that….? More than telling we need to show them they matter. God cares even more than we do. He has given us tools to love beyond anything we could ever ask or imagine. Because His Holy Spirit is at work inside us, we can show these children what love feels like.

Showing love to a child who has never felt it will not be easy. In fact, they are quite used to feeling unloved, ashamed and worthless.  Giving them a time out is actually comforting to them. Step by step, they will try to push you away. When all they are screaming on the inside for is more. More love, more acceptance, more compassion, more nuture and more of a healthy attachment. They are wondering what they could possibly do to make you stop loving them. What they want to know from you is…nothing will ever separate them from your love. You have the tools. There are resources available. Love them and see them with Jesus eyes. Replenish the knowledge in your hearts that God loves you. So you can show that to the children whom God has entrusted into your care. It won’t always be easy. But they are worth every second you have chosen to invest in them.

Faith that Bleeds

I have just finished reading two incredible books by Tom Davis. He has written several books, but the two I just finished reading are "PriceLess" and "RedLetters". Both are about the plight of many orphans globally. Priceless haunted me while reading it, and is still haunting me. It is a fiction novel, however it is based on actual events from the Sex Trafficking trade based in Russia. Red Letters takes the Red letters that you find in some Bibles....Jesus' words and puts them in perspective on how you are to carry out your faith. Calling yourself a mere Christian just isn't good enough. How can you call yourself a Christian and not carry out what Jesus did as an example to us? While Red Letters is a Non Fiction book, it can go hand in hand with Priceless.
In our Country, the US, we are a spoiled bunch. Even when I am wanting more, or just simply waiting for payday to arrive so I can get groceries, I am blessed beyond measure. I have more than most have in Africa. My children have more than orphans in Russia.
While there is Sex Trafficking in my own back yard, I like to think our law enforcement and government (in general) will do something to stop it if they can. In many other countries, the government and law enforcement turn a blind eye. This is so sad. These girls have absolutely nothing they can do to get out of it. If it were not for Christian organizations going over to these countries...putting their very lives in danger, girls would not be saved.
Through reading these two books, God took a hold of my heart. I have not been able to look back. I have to do something....
helpful links:
www.hopechest.org
http://www.sheispriceless.com/
There are so many more to choose from....do a search and it will give you more information~!