Marriage, Parenting, Trauma....do they relate?

This foster care journey has been somewhat easy for me to adjust to. I love kids. I love to see how they grow and change. I think my calling is to be a mom....well, and a grandma too. I love my space, and quiet time. But when I look at getting a job, I think about all that I would miss out on. If I am honest, I want more bedrooms so we can foster some more children.  

My husband on the other hand....he likes older children. He doesn't like things that get complicated. He has even hinted that it is hard to share my attention. 

So, two different scenarios= a not so peachy household at times. 

Fostering and adopting are not easy callings. Without God on our side I don't think we would make it. It has been a hard two years....But I look back at where the kids were and see that love, consistency, and nurture have gone a long way. We went from not sleeping much, bad temper tantrums, food challenges, to sleeping mostly every night all night long, temper tantrums much less and food...well waiting on those to get better! Yes, we did join the locked cabinet club! I swore I would never do it. But it became necessary. 

How do marriages survive when two people see things so much differently? Because I see the good changes, I often don't tell my husband some of the bad stuff. If it won't mater either way, I take care of the situation. When I tell him bad thing after bad thing it weighs on him. So I try to tell him the good things I see. The positives. And sprinkle in a few of the challenges. He is then able to let go of the bad and see the good in each child. 

I also need to make sure I give my husband lots of his love language, which is touch....I am opposite of this...I like surprises of "I did this for you". 

We also are trying to get out together...and I need to catch myself and not talk about the kids while we are out. 

So, if your marriages is struggling in some areas since this journey began for you....figure out what are some things that you can do to improve it. Satan would love nothing more than to help break up your marriage....Adoption is at the very heart of God. He commands us to care for orphans. It isn't an option. Something that has God written all over it, Satan uses it to put separation between you and your spouse....Don't let Satan win!

Parenting Trauma

Parenting is hard. Very Hard....Parenting children that have been through trauma is even harder. Just this morning, the foster child that usually is oblivious to many things going on around him was struggling.

I ran across a post of FaceBook that said this: "When children are regressing, increase nurture. Usually that fighting or distancing is caused by fear. Parents can hep the agitated child to slow down, accept comfort, talk about feelings, or improve his physical state. Gradually, children learn to seek out parents when they are hurting."  Deborah Gray Attaching in Adoption

This child is our most "difficult" child. He will throw fits, cry loudly, is developmentally delayed. He asks question after question, even when he knows the answer. He takes a lot of our time. With something bothering, it just isn't like him. He was in tears because my husband was bringing him down to the bus instead of me. He didn't want to go to school.  He does prefer to stay home. So this wasn't out of character. But he was more vocal about it today.

I am unsure if I will ever come across the big stuff that is bothering him. But I do know that I need to increase nurture to him. He does love touch. I think that is his love language. Which is low on my radar. So it is hard for me to actually do that.

When children are the most unlovable, they need the most love. 

I challenge you to find out your child's love language. Is it touch? Gifts? Quality time? Find out what it is and try to use it daily.  When they are doing good and when they are struggling. 

Book: The Five Love Languages

Where Does the Time Go?

It has been a long time since I last wrote. Time sure does go by and there are so many things in between. 

To update on Shadrack, we still think of him daily. There are songs that we hear daily that trigger memories of him. He loved music, namely Toby Mac, and hearing Toby Mac music really gets us yearning to just go grab Shadrack. Not sure why it needs to be so difficult. 

Currently, Shadrack is still waiting for his forever family. If we had another 20k at our disposal we could get him in a just a few short months. Unfortunately we just don't have access to this kind of money. 

One soft spot that we have is three other beautiful children in our midst. We started out fostering three kiddos over 2 years ago, and through a chain of events, these children couldn't go back home to mom, so on January 11th, we will adopt them. It will all be final. 

As I sit here, reflecting on a new year, there are hurts that won't go away...Shadrack, and there are joys that I can't help but smile about. 

So moving forward on my blog, I want to start offering encouragement to others in the journey of adoptions that don't go as planned, marriage through fostering/adopting, practice tips and tools to use. 

Please check back and learn and grow with me!